I did not initially intend for this topic to be the first post right out of the gate; I had intended for things to start lighter, simpler, but life does what it does, and I’m following my brain.

It’s always been human nature to ponder the reason for existing, with a seemingly endless number of answers, and sometimes no answer at all. Sometimes the path our lives goes down can change that answer or remove the possibility of there being an answer.

Over the weekend I went to the funeral for the husband of my childhood best friend, and I went to the visitation the evening prior to the funeral. I hadn’t seen her in several years; we had each become busy with our own lives as people often do when they grow older, and we had somewhat grown apart as our lives took different directions. We stayed connected on social media and I was happy for her when she started dating someone who seemed like a great guy for her. They got married last autumn, and I was so happy for her, to see her happy and enjoying life with someone who loved her as much as she loved him. Last week she posted the sad news that he had passed away. I planned to go to the visitation and funeral to show support to my friend, but once the day the visitation came, I began to second guess my decision. I told my husband I didn’t want to go. Thankfully he talked me through my thoughts and fears: we hadn’t seen each other in several years, would things be weird, would there be too many people there and would I panic, what if I cried, what if I cried too much? And then I became angry with myself for thinking so selfishly. One of my friends, someone who I’ve known for thirty years, someone who I’ve been through thick and thin with through our awkward pre-teen years, our teens, twenties, thirties, a human being who was going through the worst time of her life, and for a moment I got caught up in my stupid bullshit.

My husband and I went to the visitation, and the moment I saw my friend, I knew I made the right decision. It was like no time had passed. As we hugged, I gave my condolences, and asked her how she was doing. “Terrible” she said, her voice shaky. When we separated her eyes were red and overflowing with tears. I wanted so much to be able to take her pain away, to turn back time and change something so her husband would still be alive so they could spend the rest of their lives together, but I couldn’t.

This sweet gentle soul became a wife and a widow within a matter of months, and it’s not fucking fair. No one deserves to have that happen to them, but especially not her. She had always hoped to find someone who was her twin flame, and when she finally did, she was only able to have a few years with him.

Life is so short and fragile. It passes most of us by so fast we don’t even realize it because we’re so focused on trivial things; material possessions, the differences between everyone around us, petty squabbles, running here, there, faster, bigger, better, working longer hours, and for what? What does it all mean? When is the last time you took a few minutes to appreciate the sunshine, feeling the warmth on your skin? Or took a moment to bend down and take in the scent of newly bloomed flowers? Do you ever take a couple of hours to spend time with loved ones and enjoy their company and be present? I mean really be there. No mindlessly scrolling through social media or answering work e-mails, catching up on work at home, sending texts? When is the last time you enjoyed good conversation with others, deep meaningful conversation, hell, even silly conversation, but engaged in real conversations with the people in your life beyond the usual superficial crap? So many of us move through life with our mind on other things, instead of being present in the moment. It’s so easy to lose focus on what’s truly important.

What is the meaning of life? Living in the present, in the now, being present. Enjoying and being thankful for everything and everyone I have in my life. Making an effort to be a good person, which involves a great amount of self-reflection and changing the negatives. Enjoying time with friends, family, my pets, and by myself when I need to. Being creative and making time for creative outlets, which is also a form of self-care. Managing my mental and physical health. Maintaining balance as much as possible in all things. For me, all of this is the meaning of life.