It always starts with the same thought:

“I need to lose weight.”

I’ve known this for a long time. My entire life, I’ve struggled with my weight.

Lose, gain, lose, gain, lose, gain….on an endless loop.

Logically, I know how to lose weight properly by eating healthy and exercising, limiting fat, sugar, etc. But my brain….she has other ideas.

A few days ago, I started tracking my calorie intake using an app. Based on my current weight and my goal weight, it tells me how many calories I should be eating in a day. It’s a reasonable number. But my brain tells me I can go lower than that number because that number is too much. My brain remembers starving, extreme calorie restrictions, purging, and the high I felt doing that. Not to mention the compliments I received when I dropped weight fast.

“Aim to lose 1-2 pounds per week.” My brain laughs and laughs at that. She knows losing 10-15 pounds a week is possible and that’s what we’re going to fucking do. Again. And if I push myself even more, I could lose even more. And if I lose x number of pounds in x number of months, I’ll be at my goal weight.

But in those moments of insanity, my brain forgets that these restrictions aren’t sustainable. If I remind her, she says other people do it all the time, I’m just lazy and a quitter.

This is why my weight has been a roller-coaster. I know how to do it the healthy, right way, but the disordered part kicks in, and my disorder is LOUD and INSISTENT. I don’t know how to shut her up. I want to say that I’ll try, but looking at my calorie counts the past several days, I’ve failed. But there is a glimmer of hope….when I get to the point of near delirium and pain from not eating, I do eat something. And I haven’t purged. Not that the thought hasn’t been there, but so far I’ve been able to talk myself out of it.

Baby steps. I’ll get this right, hopefully.